The Clam Rampant

Kasia June 26th, 2007

Let me count the ways…

Well, actually, let me just mention one of them for now. She sent me a HI-larious parody of “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General” from “The Pirates of Penzance” courtesy of Mark Shea. It’s called “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Unitarian.” It’s so funny, it’s almost Tim Ferguson caliber. And I, being a bit of an instigator, double-dog-dared her to send it to our mother, the 27-year-UU. She, being wily, got me to bribe her with the promise of an iced cappuccino next payday to do something she probably enjoyed doing…but it’s OK; it’s well worth the $3 for the iced capp!

Here are the revised lyrics:

I am the Very Model of a Modern Unitarian
by Christopher Gist Raible
Sung to ” I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General” from ” Pirates of Penzance”.

I am the very model of a modern Unitarian,
Far broader than a Catholic, Hindu, Jew or Presbyterian.
I know the world’s religions and can trace their roots historical
From Moses up to Channing, all in order categorical.
I’m very well acquainted, too, with theories theological,
On existential questions I am always wholly logical,
About most any problem I am teeming with a lot of views,
I’m full of fine ideas that should fill our church’s empty pews.

(Chorus members:
We’re full of fine ideas that should fill our church’s empty pews.
We’re full of fine ideas that should fill our church’s empty pews.
We’re full of fine ideas that should fill our church’s empty empty pews.)

I quote from Freud and Jung and all the experts psychological.
I’m anti nuke, I don’t pollute I’m chastely ecological.
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
I am the very model of a modern Unitarian.

(Chorus members:
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
We are the very model of a modern Unitarian.)

I use the latest language; God is never Father or the Lord,
But Ground of Being, Source of Life or almost any other word.
I never pray, I meditate, I’m leary about worshipping.
I serve on 10 committees none of which accomplish anything.
I give to worthy causes and I drive a gas conserving car,
I have good UU principles (although I’m not sure what they are).
I’m open to opinions of profound or broad variety,
Unless they’re too conservative or smack of righteous piety.

(Chorus members:
Unless they’re too conservative or smack of righteous piety.
Unless they’re too conservative or smack of righteous piety.
Unless they’re too conservative or smack of righteous pie-piety.)

I formulate agendas and discuss them with the best of ‘em,
But don’t ask me to implement, we leave that to the rest of ‘em.
In short in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
I am the very model of today’s religious liberal.

(Chorus members:
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
We are the very model of today’s religious liberal.)

As it happened, Mom thought it was so funny she forwarded it to her minister and choir director. Ah well. It’s still an excuse to buy an iced capp. 

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Kasia June 18th, 2007

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t expect anyone to be perfect. Heaven knows I’m not. We’re all going to slip up from time to time, and really, that’s not a big deal.

What bothers me is the sort of broader sloppiness through which words and phrases lose their meaning and/or take on a new meaning that is completely different from the original. Take, for example, “bad” – depending on the context, one now has to try to discern whether the person speaking means that someone or something is actually bad, or whether it’s meant as a compliment.

Yesterday I was on the phone with someone who told me “No offense, but you’re a terrible liar,” meaning that I cannot lie convincingly. I didn’t take offense per se at that. After all, how bad can it be to not be adept at lying? The Gestapo isn’t at my door and there aren’t any refugees hiding in my basement.

So I said, “Yes, I have many wonderful qualities…” I planned to end the sentence with “…but the ability to lie is not one of them,” but caught myself – just how wonderful IS the ability to lie, after all? Instead I finished the sentence with “…and one of them is that I am extremely honest.”

The person on the other end of the phone cut in with “You’re honest to a fault, actually.” Which is probably true. But then the next words I heard were “Not that there’s anything wrong with that…“

My reply: “Actually, that’s exactly what ‘to a fault’ means. It means that there’s something wrong with that.”

I realize that the person didn’t mean the statement literally. It’s just one of those phrases that has lost some context over time (perhaps as our society has sought to minimize concepts like virtue and vice).

I’m still mildly annoyed though. Chalk that up as another of my faults. 

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Kasia June 14th, 2007

I really hate when I outsmart myself.

You know how sometimes you put something in a reeeeeally obvious place, so you’ll be able to find it as soon as you need it? …yeah. You guessed it.

Oh, where have you gone, Out-of-State Conference Attendance Request form and conference registration that were only waiting for the registration fee check?!?

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Kasia June 14th, 2007

The Canuck and I were the unexpected recipients of some Tigers tickets last night, owing to the generosity of some local Catholic season ticket holders and the general craziness of the higher-ups’ schedules. My boss offered them to me Monday or Tuesday, and I immediately dropped The Canuck an e-mail suggesting that he come into town for the opportunity.

They were fantastic seats, though we discovered that with The Canuck’s visual limitations (he’s legally blind) higher-up seats are actually better. Fine by me - the higher seats are cheaper anyway, so next time we go and actually have to pay for our tickets, we’ll just buy the cheap seats. We were in Row 30, immediately behind the visitors’ dugout. I have literally never been so close to the field, so for me, it was a real treat. A few balls actually came into adjacent sections, though none came into ours.

The family that sat next to us left after the fifth inning with their four-year-old twins – I can’t say I was sorry to see them go, though the only one who was any real bother to me with the little girl, who whined for everything (and got almost everything she whined for, to my disgust, but I kept reminding myself that I don’t know them or their situation – this may have been atypical). But The Canuck wasn’t feeling well, so we left after the seventh inning, and the Brewers went on to hit a home run before we even made it onto Woodward. The Tigers lost the game 3 – 2. Oh well.

Anyway, we got home, fed the cats and did all that sort of stuff, then went to bed so we could try to get a decent night’s sleep – he never sleeps well at my house, between the bed (which is not to his taste) and the cats (who can be pretty obnoxious). I wasn’t sleeping very well, but I had actually drifted off (complete with snores). Then, at 1 a.m., I woke up to this very loud noise.

There was a tow truck on my street at 1 a.m. I have no idea what someone was thinking. Even if you work nights, what on earth would possess you to call a tow truck at one o’clock in the flippin’ morning?!? Call a taxi, get a ride to work, and call the tow truck after your shift! Even worse, it took the tow truck HALF AN HOUR to finish its job. I think that’s a record. I have been towed probably a dozen times in my life (I drive old cars), and it has never, EVER taken more than five or ten minutes for the driver to do his entire job, from start to finish. I was ready to put on my bathrobe, go downstairs, walk down the street, and ask if they had any idea what time it was. I considered shouting out the window, but decided against it on the grounds that it might wake the one or two people in the neighborhood who could actually sleep through the original racket.

Then it took me at least an hour to fall back asleep. So this morning I am tired, grumpy, and incredibly ready for a nap. I also had planned to try my first lunchtime Mass today (Sweetest Heart of Mary, per Timmay!’s suggestion), but am honestly not sure I would be able to stay awake, so I think I might actually close my office door, lie down on the floor, and take a little catnap during lunch. That (or massive doses of caffeine) is about the only way I can see myself getting through my day and evening jobs with a modicum of productivity today.

How are you-all this morning?

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Kasia June 13th, 2007

Isn’t it funny how much better $3/gallon gas looks when you’re approaching it from above, not below? I saw gas for $2.99 up by my evening job yesterday (Twelve and Woodward, for anyone who’s planning their routes around best gas prices), and I actually grinned because it looked like such a good deal. What a difference perspective makes…

Another funny thing – there was a man here in my office with a very small baby who was starting to fuss. He started whistling some sort of soothing tune to the wee one, who promptly settled down as he continued whistling this oddly familiar tune. I could not place it…wait…it was coming to me…

That’s the first baby I’ve known whose favorite lullaby was Stairway to Heaven. Though I did once know a baby who would only settle down to City of New Orleans by Woody Guthrie…

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Kasia June 11th, 2007

Very quickly, since I need to get cracking on my evening job work here…

I drive up and down Woodward with some frequency. I drive up it almost every weekday, as my day job is near Grand Blvd. and Woodward and my evening job is at Twelve Mile and Woodward; I drive down it when I need to go to the head offices for anything.

First, any time you drive past Nine Mile and Woodward these days, or at least any time I do, there are protesters holding up signs saying “Bring our troops home now!” and “Honk if you want Bush out!” and such. Don’t ask me what this is supposed to accomplish. I have no idea. But they’ve been doing it with some regularity ever since we went into Afghanistan, so one does get used to it. I admit I have a little moment of wicked glee when I manage to get through a whole light cycle without anyone honking at them…but I paid for that today when there was a big gawker delay on account of their being there.

But today I saw something I’d never seen before: a man bicycling down Woodward with an accordion strapped to his back. It tickled me pink, let me tell you; all I could think about was my dad at age six, being forced by his mother to take accordion lessons (though he didn’t bicycle to the lessons). Associations can be a funny thing.

Now I’m thinking about the Quaker woman who used to show up at all sorts of liberal functions I went to as a child, who always brought her squeezebox. She was the highlight of any event for me, let me tell you.

Enough rambling – back to work. 

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Kasia June 11th, 2007

(Note: I answered 9/10 of this Saturday morning, but didn’t get a chance to finish it until now.) OK, I’m a cheeseball and actually sort of enjoy these surveys. That probably means I’m really narcissistic. Uh oh.

Anyway, Michigan Cousin posted this survey with her answers on my MySpace page. So I’m going to kill time while the Canuck is off feeding beasties…feel free to play along in the combox or on your own blog if it strikes your fancy.

1.  How old will you be in 12 months? One year older than I am right now.

2. Do you think you’ll be married by then? No, but maybe by the following year.

3.  What do you look forward to most in the next 3 months? Umm, probably passing my 90-day trial period at my new job. That, or maybe no longer wishing against wish that my air conditioning at home and in the car worked.

4. Who was the last person you called? The Canuck, while en route to his house. There was a lot of construction on I-94.

5. Who was the last person to call you? The Canuck, after I called him, to let me know that the restaurant I wanted to go to was going to close before I could get to London.

6. Do you prefer to call or text? Well, I’m not a big fan of phone conversation, but I don’t keep text messaging as an option. I do like instant messaging… 8. What were you doing at 12am last night? Snoring, most likely.

9. Parents seperated/divorced/married? Divorced and remarried, both of them.

10. When is the last time you saw your mom? In March, before she ran off to New Mexico.  She was pretty distracted, though, as the moving truck was coming the next day and they were only about half packed…

11. What happened at 11:00 p.m.? 11:00 p.m. on what date?

13. How many cities/towns have you lived in? Let’s see…excluding duplicates (I’ve lived in Detroit multiple times), I count five.  14. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet? It rather depends on the context, wouldn’t you say? In the middle of Lake Superior, swimming for my life, I should say bare feet. In the shallows of Lake Huron, which seems to have been God’s dumping ground for all the rocks He didn’t want to put elsewhere, I like having something on my feet.

However, having once found myself barefoot and several miles from home, with no ride apparent, no bus fare, and knowing full well that my walk home would probably pass through areas where broken glass abounds, I am partial to shoes.

15. Are you a social person? Yes, but with limits. I need quiet time to ‘recharge’.

16. What was the last thing you ate? A plain bagel, toasted, with butter and some chocolate milk. (We stopped at Timmy’s on the way to the lab.)

17. Favorite ice cream? Mint chocolate chip, followed closely by most other kinds. I love a Dairy Queen twist dipped in cherry…

18. What is your favorite dessert? It varies – there are only a few I don’t like, to which my figure can (sadly) attest.

19. What is your favorite TV show? Pfft…it’s been years since I watched anything regularly, so I couldn’t say. I used to love Head of the Class and Night Court, and I do still enjoy The Simpsons from time to time…

20. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich? Mmm, first choices are grape, strawberry or raspberry. But I’m pretty flexible.

21. Do you like coffee? Not especially, though I have developed a taste for an iced cappuccino or for a good, sweet Turkish coffee. I liked coffee when I was in Europe; then I came back and tasted the swill we try to pass off as coffee.

22. How many glasses of water a day do you drink on average? Too few.

23. What do you drink in the morning? Pop, preferably caffeinated.

24. Would you rather kiss someone with or without a tongue? Um. Is this asking whether I’d prefer that the person I kiss actually possess a tongue, or whether I like French kissing? I can’t say as I’ve ever contemplated kissing a person who did not have a tongue… [shakes head] That’s a very weird question. 25. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? Yup – the left, and I don’t flip my mattress as often as I should, so it shows. I feel naughty and rebellious when I sleep on the right side of the bed. 

27. Do you like to cuddle? With the right people, yes.

28. Any plans for this weekend? Church tomorrow; serving at the Life Teen Mass (sigh; seeing some friends. 29. Do you eat out or at home more often? Out; I’m trying to change that.

32. Would you ever get your nipples pierced? Heavens, no. My navel was as wild as I ever got.

33. Have you ever been in an ambulance? Not that I recall, no.

34. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool? To actually swim in, probably the pool (less chance of sharks). But I’d rather have my window look out on the ocean than a pool any day.

35. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat? Depends on who’s in the other seat, and how often he or she wants to get out. 36. Do you know how to drive a stick shift? Yes, though I wouldn’t want to try to do so in the middle of the Pyrenees…

40. Can you roll your tongue? Not very well, but I can roll my “r”s!

42. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Occasionally  I will cuddle with a stuffed manatee.

43. What is your favorite song? Depends on the context. Let’s talk context. Favorite hymn to sing in church? Favorite Christmas song? Favorite rock song? Favorite praise & worship song? Overall favorite song ever would be very difficult to narrow down…

My current favorite hymn is Holy, Holy, Holy, followed by O Salutaris Hostia. My favorite Christmas song is probably O Come, O Come Emmanuel (ok, it’s an Advent song). My favorite secular song right now is probably Penny To My Name by Eva Cassidy.  My favorite praise & worship type song is probably either Shout to the Lord or El-Shaddai.

45. Do you still have clothes from when you were little? Just a cute li’l hat I had as a baby. Hard to believe my head was ever that small…

46. What is the color of your bedroom walls? Creamy yellow, and boy howdy, was it a hassle to get right! 

47. Do you shut off the water when you brush your teeth? Usually, yes.

48. Have you been kissed by anyone this week? That’s an overly personal question… 49. Do you like overly sensitive people? Since I probably qualify as one, I’d better like them! However, I try to strive for (and prefer) what I would deem moderate sensitivity. That is, yes one should be concerned with others’ feelings and well-being, but not to the extent that one compromises on matters of truth. Yes, one should be sensitive enough to be able to be hurt by others, but not so thin-skinned that one tap draws blood. Moderation is the key.

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