Music is settled! (Well, almost…)
Kasia July 12th, 2008
Canuck and I met with the parish music minister today. She’s really quite a lovely young woman; and while I definitely don’t agree with the amount of Haugen and Haas she plays…well, for one thing, between the two of them they wrote half the Gather hymnal (which, sadly, is what we use at our parish). For another thing, she is quite versatile and does some really lovely classical and choral pieces as well, especially for special occasions.
After an initial rocky start, it was quite a good and productive meeting. It was rocky because…well, Canuck and I had decided we wanted to do what the GIRM suggests, and walk up the aisle together instead of him waiting at the altar for me while my dad or parents walk me up. I saw a post quite a while ago at Fr. Martin Fox’s blog that talked about how that’s what’s actually recommended; and I mentioned it to the Canuck, who thought it was a nice idea.
We both wanted to get away from the “bride as princess” idea, as the Sacrament really involves both of us, and the groom tends to end up a bit like an accessory at a lot of weddings. (And frankly, I was quite glad at the prospect of having someone else share the spotlight during that nervewracking walk up the aisle! With your dad, it’s not quite the same…) And my dad is very glad that we’re not having him walk me up the aisle; I’m sure he would do it if I asked, but he’s more or less of the opinion that it’s an outdated custom. Funny aside: I mentioned that to the priest who’s the main celebrant of our wedding. He said, in his Slovak accent “I think your family thinks, perhaps, too much about politics.” ROFL! Talk about your understatements…
Anyway. So we tell the music minister what we’re planning to do, and it turns out she’s never heard of this. So at first she says, “This is how we do it here…” and lays out the traditional bride-comes-last-with-Dad. When I explain that I was pretty sure it was what the GIRM recommends (blinking back tears because, well, I overreact to things sometimes), she says I’ll have to take it up with the pastor of the parish. And guess who walked into the music room not a minute later? Yup, Father himself, who says “Oh yeah, that’s allowed. In fact, we’re going to be having a meeting in August sometime with all the people who work on weddings – I’d like to bring the liturgy completely in line with what’s correct – so we’ll be working on moving to that as the norm.” Her response? “Oh! Okay, then!”
So – we got down to talking music. I confessed my dislike of Haugen/Haas, so apart from the Mass setting (there’s not much to be done to avoid them for actual Mass settings, I’m afraid, but I think it’s one of the better ones from what I’ve seen) and the Psalm (same thing with respect to not being able to avoid H/H, but it’s really not an overly Haugen-esque melody) , we are Haugen/Haas-free! Hooray!!! 
I will post on the actual selections tomorrow, as the list is in the living room and my next stop is B-E-D. But I was just so excited that we’ve got this settled!
Well, almost settled. We still need to pick a piece for the “Flowers for Mary” portion. Ave Maria is so overplayed, especially the Schubert version; and my idea of some sort of solo or response of the Canticle of Mary elicited only the Gather hymnal’s option, which was…um, very Haugen/Haas. You know: the lyrics are changed to neatly fit rhyme and meter, and the tune is bouncy and a little trite. It reminded me of what a professor had said to me in a creative writing course in college, about a short story I wrote: “It wraps up too neatly – you can see too much of the ‘hand of the author’ in it.”
So – we’ll see. How many of you have been to a wedding where the recessional was the Promenade from Pictures at an Exhibition?
I put in requests for “In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida” (Simpsons or otherwise) and “Stairway to Heaven”, just because. But no “YMCA”. I still have no fucking idea why that tune is so popular at bar mitzvahs.
Ooh, did I ever tell you that I almost auditioned for Iron Butterfly’s keyboard spot a few years ago?
I had no idea YMCA was popular at bar mitzvahs. But we’re just having a luncheon reception, and we’re actually taking over several connecting parts of the restaurant, so we won’t have dancing. (Not because there’s an objection to it apart from the fact that Canuck and I are both terrible at it; just because of space constraints and lack of interest on our parts. We’re not fundamentalists, remember.)
I didn’t even know Iron Butterfly had a keyboard spot open a few years ago. Why didn’t you audition? I remember you were pretty darned good at the piano back in the day…
Yeay! You have “moosick” (as my girls used to say when they were little). Somehow I wasn’t expecting to hear of you and Canuck having this meeting until August – so it came as an unexpected but VERY happy surprise that it already happened! Though to reassure myself that I’m not getting “sometimer’s” did you tell me that the music minister was reluctant to have this meeting before then or was that my imagination?
It must be such a relief to know that you can check that box off. I’m SO very glad it turned out well in the end and you are able to process in the way you want to. I can just about picture you almost wilting and ready to cry (awwww, hug). I’m sure that M.M would have felt terrible if you had gotten upset. Thank goodness Fr. had such good timing!
Overall I guess what I get out of this is that it’s good to have another option as far as the procession goes. I also think it’s really pretty darn cool for the couple to be able to walk down the aisle together. I’m looking forward to seeing it done actually.
Though personally I would really hate to see the “norm” changed so to speak – or to simply throw out the old in favor of something else. I’m old-fashioned though. I would rather see both choices be options and allow the wedding couple to decide according to their preference.
Speaking for myself, walking down the aisle with my dad is still one of my best memories and I wouldn’t change it for all the world. Whenever the subject has come up as it sometimes does in an all girl household, my oldest has expressed that she really wants to walk down the aisle with her dad.
Anyhoo — I can’t wait for you to post on the selections!!!
Jillybean!
I don’t remember what I exactly said re: MM meeting, but she did suggest August or thereabouts initially. I might not have mentioned that we managed to schedule in July…
I do agree about the traditional procession being lovely and very nice. And I have yet to hear of a parish in which the “new” (which isn’t all THAT new, but just hasn’t been widely adopted because of the force of tradition) way of processing is mandatory. Like Fr. Ben told me, the GIRM does allow for local customs, and we do usually do the bride last in this country.
What I think Fr. JJ is trying to do is introduce and encourage the “new” form because it is what the bishops think we should be doing. There are reasons for the bishops’ opinion, and they’re perfectly good reasons. Fr. JJ is aware that tradition weighs heavily for a lot of people, and he knows that a lot of people aren’t going to want to do it. I don’t know how much he plans to push it, to be honest; I didn’t ask.
I for one am moderately old-fashioned. I don’t generally like just tossing out old customs, but I do think it bears looking at why we do things the way we do them, and sometimes changing them. That’s all.
And I suspect that your oldest, when the time of her wedding comes, will be able to arrange to walk down the aisle with her dad if that is still her heart’s desire. :-p
Yes, yes, it’s a silly and ultraironic part of the bar mitzvah party that’s foisted upon the poor boy of the hour. It’s kind of hard to do “JCC” or “Workmen’s Circle” with your hands, so I dunno.
I’m *still* damned good at both keys and guitar. Improv mostly. I should join a pickup band. Does your dad know of any openings, or ought I go to the classifieds, or craigslist?
I seriously doubt Dad knows of any pickup bands. I would try craigslist…
But he plays piano and accordion, no?
He used to, but he doesn’t any more.
Well, get on him, damn it. Golf is no good without music.
I think that’s great about walking together down the aisle. I remember a lady telling me that the father walking the bride down the aisle was a Protestant tradition. Is that true?
I wish we’d known sooner in our family. My parents’ wedding pictures show my grandfather looking like he’s at a funeral as he walks with my mother. My brother started biting his lip when he walked my niece, too! It’s a miserable time for fond fathers.
The one time I discussed this with my father, he said the in-laws could give away the groom if they wanted, but he’d keep me until the future in-laws coughed up a handsome sum! (I don’t think a stand-off in church is a good way to start a marriage, do you?)
I don’t mind dancing the YMCA, the Chicken Dance or the Hokey-Pokey. But I HATE the “dollar dance” that’s so popular. I can’t decide whether it’s low-grade extortion or sexless prostitution.
Adam and I are undecided as to whether we’re processing in together or whether we’re walking in each accompanied by our parents. I personally lean towards the former.
I really like the idea of the couple greeting the guests at the door of the church so we’re going to try to do that.
I really only have two non-negotiables regarding the ceremony–I know what music I want for the recessional and the first reading has to be one of the selections from Tobit (there’s some backstory there)
Your idea sounds neat and I may have to copy some of your music selections!
He said, in his Slovak accent “I think your family thinks, perhaps, too much about politics.” ROFL! Talk about your understatements…
Ha! My pastor is the king of understatement!
Jean – I’m not sure whether it’s a Protestant tradition per se – it may be. From my research, it does seem to be a specifically Anglo-Saxon tradition (though quite a few other cultures have similar customs – but that’s how it’s been handed down in the US).
The most common critique is that it is a throwback to the Anglo-Saxon bride being the chattel of her father, thus the necessity for his consent and “giving” her to the groom (for a price). I’ve also read some resources that claim the tradition goes back to the bride’s father making sure the groom actually MARRIES her, rather than simply abducting her and…well, you know.
More modern justifications for keeping the tradition center around the Biblical concept of the two becoming one: that “she shall leave her father’s house and cleave to her husband, and the two shall become one flesh”. Thus it is the bride leaving her family of origin and joining her husband; and the father giving her away is a sign of his blessing. Which is fine, and a very nice piece of symbolism. I mean, the wedding veil is said to have originated in pagan Rome, so I’m not going to get too hung up on the origins of every custom.
For the benefit of anyone still reading this thread…
The main reason the bishops cite for recommending that the two process in together (with or without their parents) is twofold:
- The bride is very often, nowadays, not leaving her parents’ house as she was in previous generations. She’s usually done so quite a few years before, to go live on her own. So the imagery of her leaving her parents’ home to cleave to her husband usually doesn’t mesh with the reality. It doesn’t mean it can’t be a touching symbol, but it’s an inaccurate reflection of the actual change taking place in her life.
- Going back to the origin of the tradition for a moment, the bride as transferred property (which yes, I understand is not the way most people actually VIEW it now) is not in keeping with the idea behind a Christian marriage. And it’s not just Anglo-Saxon fathers who had autocratic say-so over whom their daughters married; if you look at the early Christians, there are quite a few martyrs like St. Anastasia who were forced by pagan fathers to marry pagan men. In contrast to that, the Christian idea of marriage is supposed to be two consenting adults freely coming together to enter into the Sacrament. (In my understanding, that’s why a marriage can be canonically annulled if one of the parties was, for some reason, not in possession of the full faculties required to enter into the Sacrament, or if there was coercion.)
Now. Does having my dad walk me down the aisle take away from that? It doesn’t have to, no. But the bishops’ point is that having the bride and groom process in together, with or without their parents, is a more accurate symbolic reflection of what is actually taking place. Which is why they recommend it.
Sara – thanks!! I love the readings from Tobit, though Canuck and I are leaning towards either Proverbs or Sirach…well, last we talked about it, anyway.
Our parish wedding coordinator said that they tried doing the couple greeting guests thing, but that it gave rise to too many complications and that they therefore strongly recommend against it. Canuck really liked the idea, but when she told us about the logistical issues that had come up in the past, he agreed not to do it.
Out of curiosity, what is your non-negotiable recessional?
(I really wanted Clarke’s Trumpet Voluntary for either the processional or the recessional, but Canuck wasn’t wild about it, so we compromised. :-p)
I was the recipient of a “divine slap upside the head” while reading one of the passages from Tobit during adoration one day so it’s important to me to have the Tobit passage
I want my recessional to be Joyful, Joyful. I’m a member of the parish handbell choir (and may be directing it in the fall if no other acceptable director is found) and I have visions of getting my pals in the choir to learn how to play it for the recessional
Other than my non-negotiables, I’m letting Adam take control of the ceremony choices and I’m reserving veto power.
Sara, I wondered if you’d share the passage from Tobit that you’re using.
Yay for good music!! Sounds LOVELY! I didn’t even pick any of my music, lol, but luckily it was nice (they don’t do haugen/haas in France so at least I didn’t have to worry about that!)
And we came down the aisle together, I really love that we did. Of course, I couldn’t have had my dad give me away if I’d wanted to, as he didn’t come to the wedding, lol, and it’s more common to come down the aisle together in France anyway.
How exciting!